Cancer and the Blahs

Nothing a little escapism can’t cure.

My wife questioned me a few times today about how I was feeling. I answered, “I’m fine.” Truth is as she recognizes well I had the blahs. Waiting for a diagnosis is in some ways harder than having it. I’m ready to fight, itching to organize and strategize the road to a recovery, but I still don’t know what I have. The growth on my neck might just be a branchial cleft cyst left over from the womb. The problem is it’s probably not and I really want to know so I can prepare. I’m ready to fight off the lymphoma again.

In some ways it will be easier this time and I’m trying to stay focused on those. I know to stay away from compazine like the plague. I know how to chop up prednisone and fit it into organic health food capsules so I can get it down without tons of sweets and the occasional vomiting episode. I know that the chemo doesn’t totally floor me and that just focusing on the normal things and work isn’t going to be impossible. Still it’s the new hard things that worry me like if I can handle sucking on the ice for the shots where you keep your mouth cool. For some reason I just can’t stand this, I get really naseuous. I haven’t had a popsicle in 4 years. I think the most worrisome thing is explaining things to Kassie. She escaped the whole espisode in the womb last time. At 4 I don’t think she’s really ready to understand cancer and mortality. I just want to grow old and watch her and Molly grow up and take trips to the beach and Disneyland with my grandkids. There’s always challenges.

Anyway Micki finally got me out of the house to see Spiderman II in IMAX. It helped pretty much cured the blahs. Movies can really do that for me. Now I just have to stay concentrated at work tomorrow.